tomorrow is the big day, the greater ohare chamber of commerce luncheon and schmooze-fest!

this evening, michael and selena were coming up with ideas to get rid of all the frightening, die-hard pern dreamers.

Defonte admits if Pern existed, RL, there's no way in hell I'd go. Period.

Quinn: No.. but think about it. We could say one exists, create a big fake starship, charge $500,000 a pop... put them all to sleep, then dump the whole thing into space on a random course. If it makes it, cool, if not.. oh well. Either way, they'll all leave! And we'd make out like gangbusters!

i finally finished the PFSillinois.com site's javascript stuff. awww, yeeah! as it finally saved and executed properly, i pulled out a pack of mentos and held it out to dave like a thumbs up, giving that patented mentos grin. the freshmaker!

random events at a trip to the store included the discovery of a trendy brand of french breath minds. very upscale -- all the packaging and ingredients are in french... all, that is, except for the conspicuous 'California Organic Foods Act of 1995' marking. upon further inspection, i discovered the words 'produt of mexico' in french in teeny tiny print. i laughed out loud in the store -- french breath mints made in mexico to be sold in the us! i love globalization. it's so chic.

i saw dutch tulips in the store, bundles of them. pastel clusters left to sit in a pail of water, a hand-lettered sign tacked to the side announcing the price. i stared at the delicate fade from deep pink and bright yellow to pale white at the ends of the petals and wished i could give them to someone.

alison is reading microserfs and told me that she is loving it. has laughed out loud many times while reading it, and it reminds her of me. the honesty and the open-ness and the soul-searching. she said that it is obvious that he likes 'carla' but never says it flat out, that it is just natural and very refreshing in fiction. it's a diary.

she told me last night as she disconnected, 'i'll miss you while i sleep' and i hated myself.

talked to tammy briefly; became totally depressed. she's either dead right or cynical and bitter about the turn her relationship with travis has taken over the past several months. everything that i brought up came back to an issue with travis. i remember when she had relationships and i had advice. now she has no relationship and i have no advice. fair trade, maybe.

i want to be a woman's friend forever and know her inside out and not worry about these things. i want to enjoy her and help her and hug her and warm her and know her. and then, someday, wake up and realize that i love her. i used to think that it was purer and more noble, somehow, than other ways of meeting someone. hell, is used to think it was possible. now i wonder if i've just bought into a different hollywood fairytale.

that thought depresses me. it weighs on my shoulders and saps my strength.

nate responded. "Well, you have to deal with it, but we're guys so we have to. Traditionally it is supposed to be our job to do the initiating." in a way, that comment strengthens me. gives me the pluck that i need to stand against the forces of attraction that buffet me. I don't feel free to initiate anything at the present time. so the best solution is... i don't know.

isolation, maybe. Sometimes that's a lot easier than going halfway.

nate's dealing with his own issues and angsting over various females that he's attracted to at his church group but not really ready to pursue yet. especially since another one of his friends in the church group is attracted to one of them, seemingly. "I can't figure out if they're actually dating," he told me, "and I think they can't either."

Wumbercat: three days
Wumbercat: till Beckie comes
Wumbercat: AND DEACON'S DRIVING ME MAD!!!!!!
Wumbercat: i'm workin' my self to death in school, i got bands comin' out of my ears, my drummer is obsessed with finding a mate before he's 16, and my two best friends are in love! and I'M suposed to keep them sane!!!
Wumbercat: AND I'M ONLY THE BASS!

in the back of my mind, the spectre of kristin lingers like a ghost. i wish i could exorcise it. but there's no simple solution really. i know kristin the way i wish i knew alison. and even if she were a christian, i wouldn't be ready to enter a relationship with kristin. so it's a moot point. God, i'm depressing me.