jeff eaton

Years ago, after watching the painfully bad trip that was The Knockaround Guys, Jason and I shook our heads sadly. Earlier, we'd put our metaphorical money on the chome-domed, gravelly-voiced Vin Diesel as the next breakout movie guy. He'd never be Robert Redford, but he had more snap, more zing than the cardboard-thin Action Hero actors who inhabited his genre at the time. He had the chops to play an actual dramatic role or two.

We started speculating. He'd need to crank out a few more action flicks to stay in the spotlight -- Pitch Black and Riddick were winners. But he'd need to branch off into something light, a comedy where his action-hero vibe was played for laughs, before transitioning to a straight comedy or two, then trying his chops at pure drama. Clearly, The Knockaround Guys was a blown opportunity that set The Plan back. But soon, The Pacifier hit theaters and the theory Jason and I had kicked around started looking almost plausable.

Having watched Find Me Guilty, I'm more convinced as ever that we were right about Vin's master plan. It's snappy and farsical, but there's real emotional drama to the character he plays in this story by the directory of Twelve Angry Men. Based on the actual Longest Jury Trial in American History, the film has Vin playing a mid-level mob guy in the trial that almost brought down New Jersey's biggest crime families. Twenty defendents, dozens of charges, and this guy -- with a sixth grade education -- decided he'd act as his own lawyer rather than turn state's witness. Chaos ensues, horses are frightened, prosecutors fume, etc etc.

It's a weird sort of movie, all the moreso because it's based on real events. Unlike, say, My Cousin Vinnie, there's the uncomfortable knowledge that these guys really, y'know, were mobsters who did all kinds of nasty stuff. But Diesel does a good job, playing a flawed wise guy who can't believe what's going on and can't help performing a little for everyone. Even a jury.

What's next? An indie film or two, maybe? Something quirky and dramatic, definitely not science fiction. Just remember -- once, Clint Eastwood was just a guy from some westerns.

It has come to my attention recently that CNN, that so-called news source, engaged in subliminal warfare against the brave citizens of these United States. For almost one eighth of a second, the following 'X' defaced the inspiring visage of our country's Second In Command on live television.

Thankfully, the brave bloggers of the blogging blogosphere of blogs were too crafty for CNN. Known for their careful attention to detail, they alerted the world to the truth. CNN, of course, investigated the matter and responded with typical liberal smokescreens. There was even talk among the weak-minded that it had been an accident, rather than a deliberate conspiracy to erode the American populace's inspiring support for their Leader. The image, CNN apologists claimed, was a 'key frame' used by video technicians to queue video clips during broadcasts. The words 'Transition begins after five frames of black' can be made out below the debauched 'X' in the image above.

Friends, I've done some research into these so-called 'Key Frames.' I'm afraid that the situation is even worse than we ever suspected.

'Key Frames,' as liberals refer to them, have been in use for decades in the television industry. So cunning are the liberals that they saw the writing on the wall during the glorious time of Reagan. Knowing they could never defeat him honestly, they began to plan. They designed a nefarious video queueing mechanism and mobilized their agents in the video industry to infiltrate television studios around the world. It took years, but with 'Key Framing' accepted worldwide, the 'cover story' for their agents at CNN was in place.

They've been biding their time ever since, waiting through the dark days of the Amiga Video Toaster, counting the years, the months, the days, until they could spring their trap. Then -- when the time was right, and everything was in place -- their decades of planning paid off. BAM! Operation Key Frame! For 1/8th of a foul second, a flickered 'X' and the coded message flashed across the face of our glorious second-in-command!

The message? 'TRANSITION BEGINS AFTER FIVE FRAMES OF BLACK!'

Doubtless, it's a ciphered signal to their followers. But what could it mean? Regime change? Fomenting revolution? What -- or who -- could the 'five frames of black' be? I don't know, but it sounds mighty ominous...