For many years, I've heard rumors of the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special. It went straight to television in 1978, just a year after the explosive debut of the first Star Wars movie. It's spoken of in sad, hushed tones -- like a little-mentioned brother that died trying to juggle power drills.

Jason and Steph have a copy of it, thanks to a hardcore geek friend of ours, but I've never gotten around to watching it. Thanks to the magic of the Internet, though, it's now available for viewing on YouTube. Naturally, I clicked.

Just two minutes in, I can see that the rumors were true. It is not, in fact, a terrible Droids-esque cartoon. It is a live action drama starring all the original actors! This isn't the respectable art-film sort of train wreck. It's the bury-the-footage, pretend-it-never-happened cut-it-from-the-continuity sort of trainwreck that only happens when words like contractual obligation and thirty kilos of mescaline are involved.

It's a Christmas Special. It's Star Wars. And Chewbacca has a wife named Paula. This one's a keeper.

Edit: Five minutes in, now. The opening scene is a cozy domestic act, with Paula tidying up the house and pining for Chewbacca's return. Their son Lumpy and his grandfather Itchy -- yes, Lumpy and Itchy -- scuffle playfully. What's wrong with this picture? They're all wookies, and none of them speak english. It's like Leave It To Beaver meets the first twenty minutes of 2001...

Edit: Ten minutes. Mark Hamil. Art Carney. R2D2. Paula the wookie preparing dinner while watching a purple, four-armed Martha Stewart alien on television. Slapstick comedy. Camera cuts away to a tie fighter battle. Hello!

Edit: Fifteen minutes. Art Carney just gave Itchy the wookie LSD-influenced holo-porn as a LifeDay gift. Sample quote: "You... are my fantasy!" Cue suggestive wookie growling. Cut back to the holo-fantasy... singing a wookie lounge song! The goggles, they do nothing!

Edit: Fifteen minutes, thirty seconds. More tie-fighters. Chewie and Han are running a blockade.

Edit: Sixteen minutes.Uhoh. Storm troopers everywhere at wookie home! The tidy domestic scene is threatened. They're searching the house, and asking questions... A stormtrooper opens a device of some sort, and... Jefferson Airplane appears. In the middle of a giant purple kaliedescope. Playing a ballad. What... The...

Edit: Eighteen minutes. Cartoon interlude! Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisher look like extras from Aeon Flux! Fistfight with Boba Fett! He's riding a sea monster!

Edit: Twenty-two minutes. Bea Arthur is a bartender as Mos Eisley Cantina. And a lounge singer. This isn't happening to me. Dear God, this isn't happening to me.